"Journey to the Healing Heart of Your Dreams"
CASE STUDIES IN CREATIVITY
Some split between the inner world and the outer world is common to
all human beings; and the need to bridge the gap is the source of creative
(The creative process) is the emergence in action of a novel relational
product, growing out of the uniqueness of the individual on the one hand,
and the materials, events, people, or circumstances of his life on the
Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it.
Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it.
Creativity may be conceived of as an exercise of the configurative powers
of the whole psyche, involving all its substances, the play of its entire
Nature is constantly unfolding new forms, in the tangible physical world,
and in the imaginal world of the psyche. Dreamhealing means navigating
the ever-flowing river of imagery which wells up within us all.
Of course, the best way to learn dreamhealing is through apprenticeship.
But to provide some guidance and to demonstrate the scope of the method,
we have included several of Graywolf's sessions with various clients.
These journeys show the different depths of working. Some are entered
through the drumming, others use dream doorways, symptoms, or feelings
for entree. Each seems to focus around a specific issue. Comment
is included for some sessions, while others simply speak for themselves.
Within these transcripts you will find many of the signposts of dreamhealing
theory, such as colors, chakras, the four elements, snakes, and other symbolism.
They are common enough to appear in this random sample of issue-oriented
RELATIONSHIP TIDAL WAVE
In this session a young woman, who has been separated from her alchoholic
husband for some time, recounts a dream which comes up when her divorce
proceeding go to court. During the session she re-owns her projected
ANIMUS (inner male) and finds new power in her center. Graywolf's
comments are ALL CAPS, while her responses are lower case.
WHEN YOU ARE READY TO LET THE DREAM COME IN, JUST ALLOW IT TO ENTER INTO
YOUR MIND...THE IMAGES...FEELINGS...AND SENSATIONS. THEN, WHEN YOU
ARE IN THE PLACE WHERE YOU ARE READY TO SHARE THE DREAM, DO IT...BUT TAKE
I can see John lying on the couch...all I can see is the couch and him.
And he's pretty drunk...he can't sit up. I wish he'd just pass out...
BE THIS DRUNKEN MALE...BE THAT BODY...BECOME...AND AS YOU BECOME, SHARE...[she
describes her state of consicousness ending with the word "toxic"]...THAT
IS A VISCERAL SENSATION...THAT TOXICITY. FOCUS ON THAT NOW.
WHAT COLOR IS IT? WHAT SHAPE IS IT? WHAT CONSISTENCY DOES IT
It's a yellowish-green, sort of like a blob...sort of frozen. WHAT
KIND OF BLOB? IN YOUR IMAGINATION, NOW, BECOME THIS BLOB...THIS YELLOWISH-GREEN
BLOB. EXPERIENCE YOURSELF...AND WHEN YOU ARE READY...SHARE WITH ME
WHAT THAT EXPERIENCE IS LIKE. [She gives an obviously mentalized description
so the therapist urges letting go and she becomes "blue-green"].
SO YOU'RE FEELING THE POTENTIAL OF THE ENERGY? LET GO OF MIND AND
INTERPRETATIONS...AND JUST FEEL THE ENERGY AS ENERGY. JUST NOTICE
HOW YOU FEEL NOW.
There's a huge, huge tidal wave...STAY WITH IT...STAY WITH THE ENERGY...There's
things floating in it, obstructions...there's a lot of power in it...WHERE
DOES THAT CARRY YOU? STAY WITH THAT AND TELL ME WHAT YOU NOTICE...Down
at the bottom are little things that swim through it, small particles at
the mercy of the tide...little things...(AT THIS POINT WE DON'T KNOW IF
SHE WILL REGRESS INTO THE HELPLESSNESS OF CHILDHOOD OR DISCOVER SOMETHING
BRING ONE INTO YOUR MIND NOW...BECOME ONE OF THOSE REALLY TINY THINGS...They're
like little pieces of grass, and... BECOME ONE...It's really pleasant--the
force--swimming...I AM...I am...FEEL THAT...I am absorbed by the tidal
force, it's like a spiral. I DON'T KNOW QUITE HOW TO SAY THIS, BUT
BECOME BOTH THE STUFF FLOATING IN THE BOTTOM OF THE TIDAL WAVE AND THE
WAVE...THAT RELATIONSHIP...BECOME THAT VISCERALLY. It's very physical...GIVE
IN TO THAT PROCESS AND EXPERIENCE IT...JUST NOTICE, AND REPORT WHEN YOU
I see a shiny black thing...its like an opeing I can go into...it opens
into another place..and it seems to open into forever...JUST FEEL...THE
SENSATIONS...THE VISCERAL THINGS...WHAT IT'S LIKE IN THERE...[pause].
STAY WITH IT AS LONG AS YOU WANT...WHEN YOU'RE READY TO BRING IT BACK JUST
TAKE TWO OR THREE DEEP BREATHS...DON'T HURRY...TAKE YOUR TIME...
It feels like everything is in there [she indicates her abdomen, her power
chakra]. THIS IS ABOUT EXPRESSING FEAR...Its like some huge ocean..in
there...like in Journey to Center of the Earth, when there is that giant
AND THERE IS A SENSE OF MALENESS IN THERE WITH THAT, TOO?...Yes...BE AWARE
THAT YOU FOUND THAT POWER IN THE PART OF YOURSELF WHICH YOU GAVE THE SYMBOL
OF BEING A DRUNK EX-HUSBAND...Rejecting maleness?...UH-HUH! OUT-OF-CONTROL
MALENESS...SCARY, LIKE THE TIDE. FROM THE OUTSIDE, IT LOOKED TERRIBLE,
BUT WHEN YOU WENT INSIDE, YOU FOUND SOMETHING. I WOULD SAY THAT SOMETHING
ON THE SURFACE, YOUR PERSONALITY AND YOUR EGO, KEEPS YOU FROM THIS PLACE.
IT IS AS CLOSE TO BEING ABLE TO FOCUS ON IT. IT IS ALREADY IN THERE,
IT IS YOU...IT IS A STATE OF YOUR CONSCIOUSNESS.
I CAN'T TAKE YOU ANY PLACE THAT ISN'T IN YOU ALREADY. YOU'D BEEN
SCARED OFF BY THIS POWER WHICH WAS HIDING BEHIND THIS IMAGE OF A DRUNKEN
MAN. That's right. Now my whole body breathes with it.
Being in the blob was not a pleasant thing...later it felt good, but I
didn't see colors at that time. It became pleasant when I became
the tidal wave. The pain turned into pleasure. THAT IS CHARACTERISTIC
OF THE DREAM JOURNEY. YOU HAVE TO GO INTO THE PAIN, FEAR, OR DISTRUST
TO FIND THE POWER.
We are a really a powerful form of energy which takes on the form of a
mind and body. That form is based on the kinds of experience this
life energy encounters, and it stores that experience in the form of images.
Essentially that is the essence of this work, to go to those images, and
change or transform those images, to make the energy available for us.
In this case, the toxicity was where the energy was being held.
As we hit traumatic experiences in childhood, they rob us of some of our
power, manifesting as defenses which just keep us from getting there.
In the image itself is where all the stuff is stored. The purpose
of the work is to get to that image. For this client, this was tied
up in the image of the drunken man. Within that was this image of
toxicity or poison. The poison had the shape, the essence of an unpleasant
green color. What that yellow-green told me was that it has to do
with love expression and power expression.
That fits in with the fact it was expressed as a male power-figure she
was once intimate with. That is an image she had carried around in
her. She chose to express it that day as a sort of blue-green, which
when she became it, gave her access to the tidal power.
Those images that we store need to be transformed, because when we restructure
the images, our personality and body take on the actual new shape of these
images. Change the image and you change the attitudes associated
with it. If you only understand it intellectually, it just changes
the defense systems. We go deeper into the image, into CHAOS, and
shake it loose. That brings catharsis.
This client ("Ed") was seeing me every second or third week. Prior
to this session about a month had gone by, due to travel on their part.
When he arrived, Ed was aware of being extremely tense, very stressed,
to the point where it was bothering him quite badly. He had a large
number of dreams since the last time I saw him. But two of them stuck
out in his mind very clearly. They were both essentially dreams of
There were common features to the dreams, on the surface at least.
In both dreams during the global destruction, he was in a city, one time
Portland, the other in the Berkeley-Oakland area. There was a divine
or religious aspect to the dreams. In both dreams he was in contact
with divinity, with God, in his mind. I suppose you could consider
it a "Noah archetype," a profound piece of personal mythology. It
was up to him to try and save people and help people through it.
But he did not have any information about how to do that.
As for the difference, in the Portland dream, the destruction was by means
of nuclear attack. The most interesting feature of this dream turned
out to be a sense of "a dry, gritty dustiness." That becomes important
because it existed in the other dream, except at a different level--that
same sense. In the second dream, the Berkeley dream, Armageddon was
going to happen by means of an earthquake.
One feature struck me most and became the symbol I chose to go with.
He said that all of the buildings were made out of a limestone or sandstone.
There was a sort of color to them, an opalescent, sort-of pearl color.
When I asked him to become that limestone and that color, he said it had
a timeless feeling about it.
But it was not a particularly good feeling. In a sense it was one
that made him feel "almost nauseous." At the same time he felt shifting
throughout his body. He could feel muscles shifting from the tip
of his toes, right into his neck, but it did not seem to include his head.
As he stayed with the image, he bacame aware that the opalescence had a
grittiness to it, a gritty feel after the timeless feel, then the nausea.
Of course, I had him become the energy of the nausea, which was a black,
black hole. In the middle of this hole was, I think, a very bright
yellow. I just had him move towards the hole. As he got closer
and closer to this hole, he felt an increase in energy until it just sucked
him right in.
When he was in there, deep in this, I asked him what he was aware of.
He replied something about a checkerboard pattern surrounding him.
A checkboard band, that was slowly rotating around him. He said it
was alternately black, red, and green, or yellow-green in color.
I asked him to become that pattern and then become that rotating.
Firstly he was aware of the interplay, almost the dance of the black, the
red, and the green. The second thing he was aware of was that in
the essence of experiencing that image, he became a spiral--yet not really
a spiral--more of a HELIX.
Rather than the normal kind of spiral I usually encounter in this kind
of work, it was a very slow moving, a very deliberate motion. It
was not really circling, because it never came back to the same place.
It was a spiral and it never tightened in on itself. It was just
that--a spiral. I had him experience the dance of black, green-yellow,
I had the sense that essentially we were looking at an experience
of self at the molecular and genetic level. In my mind, the black
is associated with the carbon atoms, the red is associated with the hydrogen
atoms, and the green with the oxygen atom. They are essentially the
building blocks of life. The way they dance in a spiral is the basic
I think the dreamer was experiencing a sense of his genetic self, a sense
even of his atomic self. There is, of course, no way to prove this
allegation. However, in the dream journey he could really identify
with the notion. He did admit that confirmation of his subjective
awareness was reassuring during the dream journey. He had actually
perceived it that way to begin with. But when he came back, the rational
mind said, "no way."
All that eventually gave way to a pure green. The only words that
described it were "primordial ooze." And he just stayed there, and
this is as far as the journey went. I kept him there. He came
back out feeling much better than when he arrived. For me the interpretation
usually comes after the journey, and even then it is far from complete.
But I put together from that journey that he came with a really heavy discomfort
and distress. Somehow it appeared in his dreams which are probably
the true, underlying cause of the stress--this sense of Armageddon, a sense
of global cataclysm.
He has expressed this many times, both verbally in sessions and in social
situations. He always feels pressed for time, even though his life
is not scheduled to clock time. He feels like there is not enough
time for him to deal with all of it, and to help keep it from happening.
Of course, he takes this all on as a very personal responsibility, and
of course, it is quite stressful. He seemed to drop some of that
sense of pressure through this journey.
What struck me was the perfectness of the image for paradoxical healing.
One of the things I mentioned to him was that perhaps he was touching a
timeless part of himself, touching the part of his creation where inanimate
matter such as carbon, hydrogen, and oxygen came together in a primordial
ooze to form the basic building block or genetic structure that all of
us have as part of our evolutionary heritage. Each one of us has
parts of those original life molecules that first formed into that primordial
ooze and DNA spiral, which gave rise to "Adam," or life as we known it.
In essence, that is what he most needed to touch. That part has always
survived. That part of the self has survived all the cataclysms of
the world--the death of the dinosaurs, cataclysms of the ocean--life has
survived, though not necessarily in the same species form. To touch
that part of oneself, to actually experience oneself at that level of awareness
has to be a very empowering thing. For me, it takes the sting out
of the prospect of the species not surviving as a race, which is something
we all have to face as a potential future reality.
POWER VS. STRENGTH
This dream journey deals with one man's issue surrounding the distinction
between power and strength. As a lifelong weightlifter, he had spent
much time in the pursuit and exercise of his strength.
In the dream, he was talking to a friend on a two way radio. The
friend was flying in an airplane with his wife. They were in fog,
and they were not instrument-rated. Their instruments were not working
anyway. They were going to crash...
In the dream, the client's main frustration revolved around talking to
someone who was about to die, and there was nothing he could do about it.
[He is a private investigator in real life, with a specialty in investigating
mitigating circumstances for those accused of capital crimes]. He
felt impotent, so I had him go into the feeling of being totally impotent.
He's a big, tough, macho guy. Psychologically, a lot of that is compensation
for feeling impotent.
As I had him go into it, he expressed feeling really uncomfortable.
I asked what color it was, and it was white. So I said, "let's focus
on the white. What do you see, and what do you notice about the white?"
He said, "Well, it is taking the form of a ram's head..."
He noticed at the beginning of the journey that the whole feeling of impotence
was through his neck and shoulders, which is where he has most of his physical
problems, like rheumatism. And theimpotence was like a shaking, a
When I had him go into the white, he saw the ram's head. I said,
"What is the ram doing now." He said, "It's tearing my skin off.
It is exposing the muscles over my right chest. Interesting, it's
changing now into a horse, and the funny thing is it doesn't really feel
bad. The horse is pulling the muscles away. He
is stripping the muscles off the bone."
I said, "Become the whole system that is the muscles and horse all together."
He replied, "Actually, it feels good. It feels like being freed or
something. It feels like the lifting of a load." I suggested,
"Really be the horse now, and just experience what you notice."
One of his complaints is the problem caused in nearly all of his joints
from weightlifting. He said, "As the horses I can feel mostly the
hooves, pounding on the earth, which is hard and solid. And it feels
like it's fluid power. [This is an approximation of what was said].
It is shaking the muscles, and it feels really good." I invited him
to be with that for a while, to experience really "being the horse."
Well, he was silent for nearly half an hour on his experiential journey.
When he came back, he expressed how phenomenal this journey was for him.
He met this other horse, a brown horse which he nuzzled. They felt
like old friends. Perhaps this indicates meeting someone, previously
known or unknown, yet like this brown horse. It probably suggests
he is becoming ready for a really good relationship. This has been
one focus of his work.
As the horse, he just felt free and fluid and powerful. He also encountered
a bear. In his last session, during his journey he had found a really
intense yellow color, focused in the midsection area. This journey
also revolved around the distinction between power and strength.
This image was for power. The bear in the following vision had a
golden yellow chest. He may choose to explore that in the future.
As the horse he encountered that, but he didn't want to be that.
He wanted to stay as the horse.
I think he has found a totem for himself now. He like it. He
relates to it. He feels good with it, comfortable with it.
It is freeing for him; he is free with it. I asked him how he could
bring this horse into his everyday life. One of the things he can
do in situations is to ask, "What would the horse do? As the horse
what would I do?"
Instead of being his normal confrontative self and irritating others, he
imagined that the horse might shy away. He commented, "There is no
dishonor in that." This is not the old person speaking. He
noticed having two voices inside for some time. One was saying, "F---
them, go get 'em," and the other saying, "Take it easy, be calm."
He concluded, "that other voice is my horse, and I just have not been listening
to it--but I think I'm going to now." His other voice seems to have
lost a lot of power.
[Chiron was the mythic centaur, half man/half horse, who was teacher and
adoptive parent of Asklepios. This horse taught him the healing arts]
I learned about the difference between strength and power as an engineer.
When engineers talk about strength, essentially what they are talking about
is the relative strength of materials, a system, or an object. What
force does it take to break it? Really that is the measure of strength,
the measure of its resistence to breakage. It is a form of rigidity.
When engineers talk about power, they are talking about a fluid ability
to do something. Power is energy that is put to useful work, rather
than tightening up in order to resist breakage. To me that is really
Some people spend all their time trying to be strong, in the engineering
sense. By trying to be strong they end up tightening themselves and
defending themselves to prevent breakage. They tie up all of their
power in this strength, rather than letting it flow. You can't really
hurt power. It flows, it is fluid, it moves around just like water.
To me, that is the difference, and it is a big one.
In a prior session with this client, strength was represented as a frightening
whirlpool, sucking him down, while strength was more of a golden spiral
and sphere. He ended up in a place of golden light, centered in the
solar plexus chakra. The same analogy came up in this dream journey
as the horse. He perceived the stripping away of the muscles as the
stripping away of the armor, the strength. He had worked on building
those muscles and that armor for a very long time, investing lots of emotional
as well as physical energy in holding up/back the flow of his true power.
It became a process of letting go, trading in armor for true power.
AN EXAMPLE OF PROCESSING SYMPTOMS
The dreamhealing process can also be applied for giving physical symptoms
a voice. Rather than beginning with a dream image, you may begin
a journey from a feeling of discomfort, or an actual physical ailment.
Sometimes clients will not come with a dream ready for processing, but
they can still generally find some area of either chronic or acute dis-ease.
One client presented a physical problem for processing which involved long-standing
lower back pain. Her chronic backache comes and goes, and is sometimes
stress related, but also come on without stress. It began really
intensifying and became noticeable during her first (and only) pregnancy.
It has become much worse since then over the ensuing four or five years.
As I continued asking questions, we went a little bit further in regard
to her general health. It turned out that she also gets these canker
sores in her mouth, and they are very painful, too. I noted that mentally,
and kept asking her almost medical-type questions, as well as psychological
questions. This was not because I needed most of that information,
but, as she noticed, I was "just fishing." That is one way my intuition
works. I ask informational questions because I was trained in more
conventional psychotherapy to be scientific in the interview. However,
I mostly use it as a "ground" for my intuition.
During one of the questions she indicated an urge or desire for stretching.
She felt like she needed to stretch. It seemed both physical and
metaphorical. Right away I suggested she move deeper into that desire
for stretching, and she spoke of feeling really confined, and so on.
In the next stage of her journey there was an image of whirling, of spinning,
and that led to an image of a canker feeling in her jaw. As she moved
into that image, she said it was like the feeling of a dentist drilling
through the dense tooth. I had her stay with it long enough to drill
right through the tooth and into the gum. The hardness of the tooth
made a sharp contrast with the softness of the gum.
At that point the image transformed into a totally different image of a
very, very tiny dark black hole, which suggested an image of the canker
sores. That image actually became a black hole, in physics terminology.
She had the experience of entering into a black hole. I said, "Enjoy
this new reality, this new universe you are in which conforms with a physics
theory. It is a connection between alternative universes."
She went into this black hole which was a total absence of all things,
and the blackest black she has ever seen or experienced. One kind
of black is a nothingness, but there is a black so deep that it pulls everything
into it. That was her subjective description of the experience.
As she went into that black, there was a feeling of totality, completeness,
and depth within it. She felt power as she became that black hole.
When she came back from her journey several things happened. First,
her back problem had eased. Her back had been really sore, but upon
return she barely felt any twinges. Being in the blackness, for her,
was like velvet. She said, "I feel like velvet!" It was very
sensual, one of the most sensuous experiences of her life. It involved
such total physical stimulation, this wrapping of velvet, being that velvet.
Such total receptivity is a very sensual thing. Stimulation-wise,
all receptors were open and responsive.
That led to the thought that THIS WAS HER FEMININE SIDE, her feminine self,
that total receptivity. A black hole may be seen as part of the feminine
expression of the universe, as is infinite space. In ancient Egypt,
this energy was known as the goddess Nuit. That journey put together
the hole in her gum, the canker sore, with the back pain. She then
saw the relationship.
For most of her life, she had put away her femininity, and behavedin a
masculine manner. She began armouring early in her life. When she
had her baby, she could not ignore her femininity on a very deep level,
and that is when the back problem exacerbated. It brought forth the
dis-ease. Even though her chiropractor told her it was a genetic
deformity, it never was a problem until them.
She came up with her own unique healing which we never could have consciously
come up with for lower back problems. In this journey, she experienced
her femininity deeply. She decided she wanted to go home and really
do something to ground the experience. She did not want to paint
it, since it was not that visual type of imagery. We agreed she could
just spend time meditating, and being there in that space. Being
is feminine, while doing has a more masculine quality.
CONCEPTION DREAM JOURNEY
This healing took place over a two-day period during our annual gathering
on CHAOS AND CONSCIOUSNESS. This is a mature, cosmopolitan woman,
with a beautiful poetic spirit. She recounted her dream the morning
after her arrival.
I go into a bedroom where Jeannie Eagle is sitting on a large bed in a
flowing white dress. Her dark locks of hair fall around her shoulders,
and the contrast is like a photo negative of Mt. Shasta. I go forward
and lightly kiss Jeannie on her forehead. There is a shadowy presence
in the room that I take to be Graywolf.
Graywolf initiated the process. JUST LIE DOWN AND GET COMFORTABLE...START
BY JUST BREATHING...RELAX AND ENTER YOUR DREAM...RE-EXPERIENCE YOUR DREAM...AND
THEN WHEN YOU'RE READY, WALK ME THROUGH THE DREAM WITH YOU.
I'm approaching the bed...slowly, not cautiosly...just very confidently...I'm
seeing a person sitting on the bed [a woman]...I'm experiencing contrasts...the
pristine whiteness of the clothing, and the very somber, dark and black
hair...I'm feeling...ahhhh, the edges of the white and the edges of the
black meeting, kind of jagged...
JUST GIVE OVER TO THAT SENSATION OF JAGGED MEETING PLACES NOW...JUST EXPERIENCING...AND
TELL ME WHAT YOU NOTICE...I'm coming to where they...ah...possibility of
interchange...the black becomes white and the white becomes black.
JUST EXPERIENCE THAT...BE THAT...FEEL THAT AS YOU BECOME THAT AND GO THROUGH
THAT...FEEL IT VISCERALLY...WHERE DO YOU NOTICE THAT IN YOUR BODY?
In my stomach, here. BRING YOUR ATTENTION TO THAT SENSATION OR FEELING...DOES
IT HAVE A SHAPE?...ANY DISTINGUISHING THINGS YOU NOTICE ABOUT IT?
It's like it comes and it goes...The black is blacked and the white is
frozen...JUST GIVE OVER TO THAT NOTION...THAT THOUGHT...LET GO NOW OF ANY
OTHER SENSE OF SELF YOU HAVE...AND JUST BECOME THAT FLOW...FEEL YOUR SIDES...YOUR
LEFT SIDE, YOUR RIGHT SIDE...JUST FEEL THE FLOW NOW...BECOME NOTHING BUT
THAT KIND OF MOTION...
The black side's getting very violent like dark waves lashing...its like
shark's fins, the jagged part. GIVE IN TO THAT BLACKNESS, THE SHARKNESS,
THE ANGRYNESS...BECOME IT...LET GO OF THE REST NOW AND JUST BECOME THE
BLACK...THE SHARKNESS...Feels like a sword...darksword...FEEL YOUR ESSENCE...BECOME
IT NOW...TRUST YOUR IMAGINATION. I press into soft flesh...BREATHE
DEEP...IS THAT IN YOUR STOMACH, TOO? It's in my legs, in my thighs...GIVE
OVER TO THAT...FEEL IT NOW...STAY WITH IT...I'LL GO WITH YOU INTO THE PAIN...COME
WITH ME INTO THE PAIN.
It feels like penetration...OK...JUST EXPERIENCE THAT NOW...It's very painful...STAY
WITH IT...I feel I'll cry...IT'S OK...It's myyyy...JUST FEEL...DEEPER,
DEEPER...FEEL...WHAT'S HAPPENING NOW? I'm feeling like there's a
knight with armor on...it's black...all of its black...BECOME THAT...BECOME
HIM...COME INTO YOUR SHADOW WITH ME...STAY WITH IT...WITH ME...IT'S OK,
I'M WITH YOU...STAY WITH IT. Hmm...I'm seeing a lot of yellow flames;
its like I want to jump in...DO IT!...I walk in and its just like red coals
(YEAH) and I feel like a devil dancing on them...FEEL THAT ENERGY...FEEL
YOUR HEAT...Horns!...I'm all red, and...STAY WITH IT.
WHAT'S HAPPENING NOW? It's all turning into ashes and turning into
snow!...it's a lot cooler...FEEL THAT...it's very soft to touch...Hhhmmmm...I'm
going into the ground like a seed...FEEL IT NOW....JUST FEEL IT VISCERALLY...hmmmm,
roots...going down...deeper...DEEPER....deeper...ALL THE WAY NOW, WITH
THEM...AND BECOME THE ROOTS...
I'm finding gold down under the earth...it's some kind of light...BECOME
THAT LIGHT NOW...MOVE OVER TO IT...LET GO OF BODY, LET GO OF FORM...BECOME
THE LIGHT...DEEP, DEEP LIGHT...It's all like a ball, very white, and all
around is the darkness...like a void...and the lower I get, the lower it
goes, and I can't quite reach it...but I'm trying...JUST STAY WITH WHERE
YOU'RE AT...EXPERIENCE THE VOID...BECOME THE VOID...LOOK IN NOW...BECOME
THE VOID...FEEL YOURSELF AS THE VOID...WHAT YOU'RE EXPERIENCING...[she
breathes very deeply]...SHARE WITH ME...
Ah...I was there...I think I thought that if I breathed it would go away,
but it's still there, and I could breath and it's still there...WHERE ARE
YOU?...I'm like in a...ah, a quarry hole all filled with water and the
sun shifts down it, and I'm inside it and I don't need to breath, and I'm
just like part of that water, and at the same time, its like air...it has
a lot of little motes...motes...STAY WITH THAT...JUST ACCEPT THAT...FEEL...THIS
IS ONE OF THE GIFTS OF THE DREAM TO YOU...IT'S A HEALING PLACE FOR YOU...
MY THOUGHT IS THAT THERE IS A SENSATION OF TINGLING WITH THIS...yes!...JUST
ALLOW THAT TO BE...LET THAT WORK ON YOU...THAT'S THE HEALING...IT COMES
FROM WITHIN. Wow!!!...hmm,hmmmm that was the primal energy!
Oh, I can feel it in my whole body as I said that, all the way up my legs!
I can feel my whole body tingling!!!
THAT'S THE HEALING...JUST STAY WITH IT NOW...Hmmmm....STAY WITH IT, AND
FEEL IT AS LONG AS YOU NEED...WHEN YOU ARE READY TO COME BACK, BRING THE
HEALING WITH YOU...AND ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS JUST TAKE THREE DEEP BREATHS
AND LET YOUR EYES OPEN...BUT DON'T COME BACK UNTIL YOU'RE READY...WHEN
YOU DO COME BACK JUST COME BACK TO THE SURFACE OF THE DREAM, AND I WILL
MEET YOU THERE BECAUSE THERE IS ANOTHER PLACE I'D LIKE TO TAKE YOU.
I feel like a very fuzzy caterpillar...MMM-UHUH....that's eaten a lot...it's
so fat and it's soft....hmmmmm. ARE YOU READY TO GO BACK UP TO THE
SURFACE OF THE DREAM NOW?...hmmm...Uhuh. THERE'S A PRESENCE IN THAT
DREAM...A GUIDE...DO YOU FEEL IT? I'm seeing all of her now...a woman
like a fairy with butterfly wings. DO YOU FEEL THEM ON YOUR OWN SHOULDERS?...Yeah,
Ok, Ok, uhuh...they're sprouting...irridescent wings! OK...STAY THERE...those
wings, its like the same irridescence as those motesMOTES [spoken simultaneously].
[NOTE: in Greek, PSYCHE means butterfly]
GO JUST A LITTLE BIT DEEPER NOW...AND FEEL THE ENERGY THAT YOU RADIATE...THESE
COLORS...Uhuh...what's in my mind is that passing over the clouds over
the mountains coming into Medford there is a double circular rainbow around
the shadow of the plane...below. The shadow of the plane is in the
exact middle always, and I'm sitting right beyond the wing, and I'm looking
down and seeing this rainbow...and it's now like I'm in the center of that
rainbow...mmmm-huh...two rainbows...I see all these colors over here.
JUST LET THEM ENTER YOU...FEEL THEM...FEEL THE CENTER...I'm the center
spot...MAY I TOUCH YOU?...Yeah...[touches heart center].............[long
pause]........[eyes open]...WELCOME BACK!
Now I'm feeling...oh, I'm feeling like integrating the feeling of the movement
of the plane and all those vibrations...and at the same time the rainbows
and the shadow of the plane are constant. That's what I'm feeling.
I'm feeling like there is a constancy in the movement, you see? UHUH...It
can't be but it is...THAT'S A GOOD LESSON, ISN'T IT? Yeah, yeah...yeah....THERE
IS WISDOM THERE, YOU'VE TOUCHED SOME WISDOM THERE...Yeah, I'm a very wise
person...YOU BET...Oh wow!
THE STRUCTURE IS THE ILLUSION; IT'S THE MOVEMENT THAT IS THE REALITY.
THE STRUCTURE OF THE PLANE, THE THINGS WE THINK ARE PERMANENT, THEY ARE
THE ILLUSIONS. Yes. FEEDBACK....COMMENTS?
Thank you...I've got my mama's tit again. When I was saying I'm a
wise person, I usually can't say that, like its not good to be presumptuous,
right. And it's like its OK to be yourself...UHUH, THAT'S A NICE
GIFT FROM THE DREAM, TOO.
She recalls her song where she wrote, "Woman trust your body's wisdom..."
Graywolf asks her if she has had trouble in her legs. She says "No,"
but refers to month-old distress on the bottom of her forearms, slight
THE TINGLING IN THE BODY, THOUGH, THERE WAS SOMETHING WITH THAT.
Oh, [emphatically], the tingling was...SEEMED INTENSE...yes, it was very
intense, yea. At the beginning of this session I was asking myself
what this is about. And its about coming here. It's about my
mother going 50 years ago to Farther South Camp, a forerunner of Outward
I stayed home on the farm to cook, sweep, and wash for my father and brothers.
And my mother went galavantin' off, just like I am now. Only no one
has to cook and sweep for me. My kids are grown. Still, though,
I was having the image of the woman going off to the wilderness to find
herself. THAT'S SOMETHING OF THE ESSENCE OF WHY YOU'RE HERE THEN.
Hmmmhuh. And I was hearing this morning a poem that my mother loved,
I think by William Blake or John Dunn, someone of the mystical faith.
Every morning lean thine arms upon the windowsill of heaven; And contemplate
thy God. And then with a vision freshen thy heart and go forth into
I am not knowing if I have permission to lean my hands on the windowsill
of Heaven. [she rubs her arms where she has complained of the distress].
YOU JUST DID...SO YOU MUST...Like I just did right now...So I do...So I
don't need that! [She makes shaking motions as if to let go of that
SO AGAIN, JUST ON THE OTHER SIDE OF FEAR IS THE POWER. JUST ON THE
OTHER SIDE OF THE FEAR AND THE PAIN. JUST EXPRESSING THE FEAR AND
THE PAIN DOES NOTHING MORE THAN HONOR IT...IT DOESN'T TAKE YOU TO THE OTHER
SIDE OF IT. ALSO, THERE WAS AN INNOCENCE OF SHADOW IN THIS DREAM.
YOU WENT INTO THE SHADOW SIDE IN THE SHARK...aimed at the light...I had
a momentary flashback to a time when my husband with Alzheimer's tried
to make love to me. It was scary, but I saved myself from that situation.
Before that fear of my father that summer my mother went to camp.
I'D LIKE TO SUGGEST THAT YOU EXPERIENCED EVEN ONE LEVEL DEEPER...THIS IS
CONJECTURE AT THIS POINT...I THINK YOU EXPERIENCED THE MOMENT OF YOUR CONCEPTION.
Hhmmm...the sperm, yes...going into the egg...the motes. I HAD VERY
MUCH THE FEELING OF THAT WHILE YOU WERE THERE. Uhuh, uhuh.
That thought was the penetration there--that's very interesting--AHA!
THAT'S WHERE SOME OF THE INITIAL IMAGES WERE FORMED. SOME OF THE
VERY MOST PRIMAL IMAGES THAT SHAPED YOU. Hmmmm.
Graywolf...Now that I just am this ovum being penetrated by the sperm,
I'm no longer violated...how about that! I'm created, I'm not violated!
THAT'S A BIG CHANGE IN IMAGE, ISN'T IT. Uhuh, tremendous! Tremendous,
tremendous. ITS A VERY FUNDAMENTAL CHANGE IN YOURSELF IN TERMS OF
WHO YOU ARE NOW. I feel like Jesus when they pierced him in the side...aha,
aha, aha. That tingling...now its in my back and it's in my arms.
I was still resisting until now that sperm penetrating, and until it did,
I couldn't be whole. Now I'm feeling like I'm in the Fallopian tube,
and going into the uterus, and I can implant, and grow to where I am now.
Its a wonderful feeling, because I can be inside my mother and here at
the same time. I can be in all of those places. It's wonderful!
CASE HISTORY: "LARRY"
Larry is an easy subject, in part based on his background as an actor,
screenwriter and producer. It is easy for Larry to engage his imagination
in the journeys and let go of existing structures. In his outer life
he has found that easy to do also and has had many unusual careers and
experiences from truck driving to pumping iron and running a gym-health
spa. He is currently working as a private investigator, investigating
for mitigating circumstances in death penalty trials. He is also
working on a screenplay, and making plans to pursue a career involving
shamanic and other consciousness forms of healing work.
I first met Larry about eight years ago when he came to a men's consciousness
group that I had started. He was going through a divorce, a rather
painful divorce, at the time, but in that group was looking more for solace
than to make changes within himself. We lost contact for a number
of years, until he called asking what it would take to become an apprentice
I invited him over for an interview. During the interview we discussed
the idea of the wounded healer and that any powers that he would have as
a shaman would come from his ability to heal himself. In this sense
I undertook a dual role with Larry, to be his teacher and his therapist.
He sought this path after the break up of a relationship with a woman with
whom he had been living for some time. He had come to see a pattern
and the "fatal attraction" that drew him into harmful relationships.
He was rebounding into what his intellect knew was another disastrous relationship
with a woman less than half his age. So our earliest contract revolved
around exploring his relationships with women.
He also found that in the relationship he had with his clients on death
row, that they came to trust him and treated him as their friend-father.
To a large degree he found he was helping them more than any therapists
and he sought to sharpen these skills and become even more effective in
His trust in more conventional psychotherapy was low. His last relationship
was with a psychologist and his relationships with other psychologists
through his profession had soured him to the effectiveness of more conventional
therapies. Yet his experiences with another more "spiritual" healer
had been quite positive but limited. He contacted me because of his
previous experience with us.
His dream life was very active and so we have naturally worked mostly with
dreams during the sessions we've had to date. In the first sessions
we spent considerable time just talking and establishing trust often for
as much as one to one and a half hours before we would actually begin to
work on one of his dreams. During these sessions the trails all lead
to his relationship with his own ANIMA, his feminine side.
He had a basic distrust of women who he felt were all manipulative and
would somehow end up hurting him. This existential view of himself
and the feminine side of the world, of course, was based on his early relationship
and experiences with his mother.
We did spend sometime discussing some aspects of that. However the
dream work took him to some very experiential understandings of his relationship
with the feminine side of himself which in turn was being projected onto
the women around him and represented the type of woman that he was attracted
to and sought relationships with.
He has come to the understanding that to a large degree he would enter
into these relationships with "flawed women like his mother" to somehow
heal them and get what he had missed from his mother. During these
first four sessions as a result of his dream work, he has become much more
comfortable with the feminine side of himself as his images of that side
of self changed.
He is now finding himself less and less attracted to "rescuing", and less
attracted to the type of women he would normally be attracted to, and more
and more adopting a neutral position with respect to women. He is
currently at a point where he has decided not to seek any further relationships
with women to feel complete within himself or to heal them, but is open
to healthy relationship should it come along.
Sexuality represented an important part in his relationships with women,
and during the dream sessions in the first four appointments an intensely
sensual-sexual state of consciousness was part of each journey. These
sexual states of consciousness involved both experiences of his feminine
and masculine sides of sexuality. The experiencing of the latter
suggested to me that there was work for him to do on his male side.
In our discussions it came out often that his relationship with his father
also left very much to be desired.
The dream had two parts: 1) grandiose with S&M erotic visions, and
2) a naval scene in which he is boarding the other boats and searching
there, directing the boat people to do his bidding.
I invite him to be the potentate in #1, and he is having everyone do his
bidding but as he goes deeper he feels a falseness, and feels as though
someone will find him out. This reminds me of the naval part and
so I invite him to partake of that.
The scene continues and he becomes the "potentate" boarding the ships.
The scene unfolds and he is aware of one trouble maker. "I want to
kill him like a precise surgical cut," he says. "I have a gun in
my hand and I'll shoot him."
I invite him to become the gun, the bullet, the explosion.
"It is like I'm a stroboscopic flash. Now I'm passing through the
barrel, the air, and I hit him in the chest, the breast bone."
The client then tries to move on but I don't pay attention. "Now
become the man who was hit," I urge. "Feel the wound, the impact
of the bullet."
The dreamer begins to grimace, his face contorts. "The blood, I feel
guts spilling out and falling all over."
"Stay with it," I urge, as he begins to choke and cough. Tears stream
down his cheeks and drip off the end of his chin. His whole body
goes limp and somehow rigid at the same time.
I gently touch him on his breast bone as the "fit" continues. In
a few seconds that seem to last forever it passes. Soon a look of
ease melts the muscles around his eyes and jaw.
"What are you experiencing now?" I ask.
"I see an image of a valentine's heart," he says.
"Become that now, its colors, the essence of how it affects you!
Feel with all your senses," I invite.
"I'm now experiencing a warm pink color that seems to fill my chest," he
"Relax into it...yield to it...........What do you now experience?" I ask.
"It is now two colors. A chartreuse that fills here [he indicates
the upper portion of his head], and the pink fills here," as he sweeps
his hand over his chest and heart. "Its warm and soothing," he says.
His face and body are now soft and a smile plays with his lips.
"This is a gift of the dream, a healing state," I tell him. "Enjoy
it and feel its effects on your head and in your heart...When you are ready
to move, let me know."
Several minutes pass, and his eyes finally open. He stares at me,
and I ask, "What's happening now?"
"It was good," he says, "but the color in my head...I feel a sharp pain
in my rectum."
"Take your awareness there now, sink into the pain, deeply...deeply."
His face once again reflects pain but soon turns to fear and puzzlement.
"What's happening now," I say.
"I am walking through a large hall," he says. "And I'm surrounded
by electric blue gargoyles. I feel small and diminished, almost threatened,"
"Now become those gargoyles, become the essence of their colors, the energy
expressed in their faces."
There is silence for a few moments and then with a deeper and softer voice,
he begins. "I feel a deep enduring quality and wisdom that stretches
back through the millennia. I'm very old...very, very old."
"Sink deeper," I invite, "deeper...and deeper....into the sense of what
you are now feeling." It is in you, it is a state of your being,
this wisdom...not words, or thoughts, but an even deeper wisdom."
"I am now connected to the whole planet," he reports. "My sense of
self and age is connected to all that is here."
"The healing is not only for you, but at this moment embraces our entire
planet." His already relaxed body lets go even further.
"I see a striped cat."
"Become it. Feel what it feels, sense as it senses."
"I feel the jungle around me, its dampness and its life. I am safe
His body begins to stretch and his hands and fingers take on the energy
of claws as the king of the jungle stretches in relaxed readiness.
This goes on for a while and then he reports passing visions of naval history,
the Phoenicians, the Vikings, the Europeans, and once again the pirates.
"I have a couple of phrases for you," I offer. "If they fit...wear
them. I AM PREDATOR...I AM WARRIOR.'
He smiles, "I am in the hall with the blue gargoyles, and there is a peace.
We have communicated."
Eventually, his eyes open. We will talk further about this, but for
now I watch a warrior cat glide out of the chair and into his dinner.
LATE JUNE, 1991:
This session presented his animus for work. It is quite long and
involved. It begins with a fairly detailed dream sequence:
I'm in an apartment, or motel, not my house...I was naked...I didn't have
any clothes on...two guys came into that room and they wanted to fuck me
up; I think they wanted to kill me...and they were dead serious.
And they grabbed me and, uh, I remember I was scared...and I didn't have
any clothes on...that's even worse. They started to get me and somehow
I got away from these two guys, and I went running out of my apt, motel
or whatever it was, and there was a restaurant.
I ran into this restaurant, and I was stark naked, and it's full of people,
and it's pretty bright in there. And I'm yelling "Help! Help, they're
trying to kill me, help." Well, in this restaurant all the people
that are in there fortunately were like rebels, some kind of revolution
thing going on, you know. Not like Fidel Castro, but some kind of
underground revolutionary thing going, and these were like anti-social
And I distinctly remember, when these two guys came in there chasing me
there was a female, a girl, sitting down at a booth. And she had
a shotgun or rifle laying down across that table. These people were
armed, and it was crowded; they were all of the same mindset. And
they did help; I remember that gal specifically. I don't remember
any other specific people. I remember that gal and that shotgun rifle
she had. And that stopped these guys from getting me.
And then a guy, one of these rebels, grabbed one of the guys that was after
me and killed him with a pocket knife, like a Swiss army knife. Out
of this dude's throat, or something man, righteously killed him.
And I remember the thing that struck me about it is he didn't give a shit...he
did it easily. I mean he didn't easily kill the guy, but he didn't
even think twice about it. And he threw the guy's body outside.
And I remember the knife was covered with blood. And he threw the
knife out the door with him.
Then, I got real brave. I figured I was surrounded by my people here.
So, the guy that was left, I wanted to find out why these two guys were
after me. Why they were trying to kill me, who they were. I
started questioning this guy, and I started torturing this guy sitting
in a chair. I started jumping up and down on his legs, and bones,
and putting a world of hurt on thisdude. And I was getting into it.
I was enjoying torturing him. And he wouldn't talk. Everytime
he wouldn't talk, I'd do something worse to him.
He wouldn't talk. Well, finally all these rebel-types, these revolutionary
types started admiring this guy's ability to hold his mud, and not talk,
after I really put the hurt on him. And they turned on me.
And I was the bad guy now, you know. This guy was the good guy.
So I let the guy up, and I remember that when I let him up he had a big
smile on his face, and he said his name was Gus McGinnis???, something
GRAYWOLF: Close your eyes now...and spend the next couple of minutes
breathing...if you can, relax your body...and, as you're ready fill your
mind with the dream...bring it back in as much detail as you can...and
walk me through the dream. This time, as you experience it...
LARRY: I'm in this room, like a hotel room; it's dark in there...the lights
are out...I guess I'm getting ready to go to bed...I don't have any clothes
on. And, uh, I get attacked by these two guys...I don't know if they
were in there already; I don't even know where they came from. I
really can't see what they look like. It's dark but I can tell there
are two of them. I can also tell they're real serious about getting
me. That pretty much panics me out. The one thing I want to
do is get away from these guys. I manage to break loose and as I
run out of the room, I'm being chased. They're right on my tail.
GRAYWOLF: Stop at that point in the dream...and back up...back up
to where they have you...tell me what's going on...what do you feel?
LARRY: Well, these guys have got me, they're grabbing me both of
them. I think they're trying to get me down. And, I don't know
how I know it, but I know they want to kill me. I know if I don't
get away from them, they're going to kill me. And it just panics
me out, and that gets the adrenalin shooting through my system.
GRAYWOLF: I want you to divert a little bit from the dream now...and
I want you to allow that to happen...tell me what you experience...feel
your nakedness...the threat...what happens...what does your imagination
do with that?
LARRY: It scares me!
GRAYWOLF: Even though it scares you, let it happen...what do you
LARRY: I experience a sense of weakness in my legs, and a lot of
tension up here in my head area, tightness in my stomach...
GRAYWOLF: Get into all those feelings...let them develop.
LARRY: It's hard to breath...something is kind blocking my throat
GRAYWOLF: Stay with it...deeper...deeper...your breathing stops...what
do you experience?
LARRY: Like a tightness in the throat.
GRAYWOLF: Give in to the tightness. Yield to it.
LARRY: It's like someone's got their hand on my throat, squeezing
GRAYWOLF: Stay with it.
LARRY: There's a weakness in my legs...it feels like pins and needles
in my legs...like they don't want to work too well.
GRAYWOLF: Stay with it...Feel this experience.
LARRY: I don't know who these guys are...
GRAYWOLF: Feel the tightness...explore that a little while longer...right
now just give in to the tightness...let it take over...experience where
that takes you...
LARRY: Now it's like, like being up real high and looking over the
edge. That feeling.
GRAYWOLF: Stay with the image...experience the visceral feel of it...what
do you experience?
LARRY: It's a dam, I'm falling over the edge of this dam. It's
down and away...I'm gonna smash right on the concrete.
GRAYWOLF: Stay with it...what do you experience now?
LARRY: Smashing on the cement is like just breaking open, but it
GRAYWOLF: Get into that...feel it...just relax...now relax into it...deeper...what
are you aware of?
LARRY: I'm laying on the cement...and, uh, I'm like a suitcase that's
thrown open. I feel a tremendous freedom now.
GRAYWOLF: Just accept it...accept that...let it be...stay with this
consciousness...enjoy it...and when you're ready to move on, let me know...take
LARRY: I'm seeing a lot of weird things right now.
GRAYWOLF: Share them.
LARRY: I'm in some kind of a crudely-built small cabin.
I see three yellow oil cans--they're hanging from a rafter...they'respinning
around...at least the first one is spinning around...the second one is
kinda turning, spinning pretty fast...and then over here there's a window,
and the wind is blowing through the window...and some kind of light blue,
lacey curtain is being blown in...inside the cabin. There's a guy
in the cabin...he is wearing, like a red checkered jacket, like a hunter,
and a red cap. He's almost a cigar store Indian.
(NOTE: This could be a past life or collective consciousness memory,
and I thought about exploring it, but the color and spinning of the cans
attracted me more. The spinning often leads to "CHAOTIC CONSCIOUSNESS,"
and yellow inevitably seems to introduce issues of how one's power is expressed.)
GRAYWOLF: Now I want you to experience what it is like to be the
spinning oil can...and especially be the color.
LARRY: The oil can changes color; it's not yellow anymore...it's
kind of...almost black...
GRAYWOLF: Stay with it, experience the spinning and the blackness.
LARRY: As I'm spinning, shooting off mushroom-shaped little puffs
like light grey or light blue grey smoke...out the top.
GRAYWOLF: Stay with the flow of your experience.
LARRY: I don't see those puffs anymore...I see more of a flat square,
kind of a dirty yellow object, seems to be floating blackness that looks
a little like a piece of Swiss cheese...it's square, flat, and got some
holes in it.
GRAYWOLF: I invite you to become that color, that shape, use your
imagination to experience being full of holes and floating in the blackness.
LARRY: I become this thing...I wanna go...and I do...I become upright...I'm
on the edge now...I'm trying to move...going like this; I'm flexible...
GRAYWOLF: Feel that, feel your flexibility...give in now to this
(NOTE: Larry suffers from severe joint pains and stiffness most of
the time, result of his weight lifting too early in life).
LARRY: I'm feeling a frustration, like I'm pretty much trapped.
I'm trying to move but I can't. I'm only able to move myself...I'm
not in one position...I'm not able to move away from where I am...basically,
I'm just hangin' there.
LARRY: Trapped and kinda flappin'.
(This is a good summary of how he feels generally in life).
GRAYWOLF: Give in to all of that as a visceral sensation...sensation
of entrapment...I don't know how to say it...but all at once become that
feeling or that nature...
LARRY: I see a big face up here to the left...the dominating thing
about this face is that it's wearing glasses..and they're square glasses...I
can't see through...I think this face is me...it looks like me...
GRAYWOLF: There's something about the glasses...an energy to them...become
the glasses...look at yourself..
GRAYWOLF: When I become the glasses, they change shape. They
were square almost like Benjamin Franklin glasses...and they became very
slanted like eyes, like cat's eyes.
GRAYWOLF: Uh Huh.
LARRY: They're not glasses anymore, they're eyes...
GRAYWOLF: Become them...feel that...give into the sensation...the
body feeling...the sense of being the eyes...the cat's eyes. Stay
with it. What's happening?
LARRY: They were just cat's eyes...the huge head of this black cat...
GRAYWOLF: Become it...feel...let me know when you're ready to share...
LARRY: I'm this cat...I've got a lot of energy, like a lot of tension...kind
of nervous energy and tightness, and hungry...hunger. I got these
really sharp teeth...I really like these teeth...take great pride in these
teeth. They're so big, and so sharp, and so white. They, like,
give me a feeling of power!
GRAYWOLF: Become the power...become the teeth. Experience yourself
LARRY: I have the feeling of invincibility...uh, I have these extremely
powerful jaw muscles. I feel real aggressive, and, and I...kind of
almost like some kind of huge machine that can crush things....and I want
to crush things. That's my job...what I'm supposed to do and what
I want to do...
GRAYWOLF: Stay with that now...let what you experience guide you...take
yourself way down...trust the process you're in...crush...feel the crushing
and being crushed.
LARRY: Now I see a...it's like a snake...it's a long, white snake...long
and thin...it's like a water snake. Black water...
GRAYWOLF: Become...become both the essence of the snake and the water...become...feel
it in your body...feel it viscerally...
LARRY: Well, when I was teeth, it was like I was trying to bite down
on this snake...but it could just, slip between the teeth and get away.
GRAYWOLF: Feel that...be that...feel your whiteness...flexibility....get
into that...give in to it...
LARRY: I have a feeling of weightlessness...bending and, you know...like
dancing around on the water...pretty good....doesn't feel like I weigh
anything. I see what appears to be like a squid or an octopus, or
half and half...with way more legs than an octopus would normally have.
GRAYWOLF: Become...go deep into the water now...deep into the water...become
the octopus...when you are ready...share...
LARRY: The thing that I like about being this octopus is that I can
move...in directions that I want to...by going like this with my legs...go
wherever I want.
GRAYWOLF: Let go, be with this flow...it's just as much you as all
of the other experiences...what do you experience now?
LARRY: Just kinda toolin around in this kind of black water...feels
pretty good, actually.
GRAYWOLF: Get into it now...what you're experiencing...let it become
a part of you now...become a part of you...explore...exploring yourself...
LARRY: I see a pair of hands...hands holding namchucks, one in each hand...all
I see is the hands and the namchucks.
GRAYWOLF: Let go of that visual image...we can explore the hands
later if you want...but right now stay with the sea and the black water.
LARRY: Changed color now...I'm gold instead of that light blue grayish
color...I'm orange now.
GRAYWOLF: Good...be the essence of the color, the orange...feel it
in your body...
LARRY: It feels a lot warmer than it did a few minutes ago.
GRAYWOLF: Give in to that sensation...
LARRY: Feels like I might be closer to the surface...
GRAYWOLF: Where do you feel the orange in your body?
LARRY: I feel it in my lower body. I feel it in my legs...I
feel it in my groin.
GRAYWOLF: Ok, give into it...feel...
LARRY: I feel it in this general area a lot (indicates genitals,
upper legs, and lower abdomen).
GRAYWOLF: Take it in now...just accept...accept it...give into it...what
you get from the dream, Larry...whatever you get from the dream...accept
it..flow with it...take it in...take it into who you are...
LARRY: I'm looking up at this pool of water...I'm looking up and
the water's blue...I can see through the water and I can see people up
above...they're jumping off a cliff into the water right above me...I can
see them jump, and I can see them in the water. The one thing that
I notice is they're having a lot of fun doing this. The water is
real bright blue...
GRAYWOLF: Become the water...become that water...become the essence
of water...no energy inside of you is not this water...become the water
LARRY: I have a tremendous feeling of flexibility...like I'm just
able to just kind of go out and fill every little crack, and I have no
GRAYWOLF: Is there anything else about the water...feel the water
filling all of the cracks, and all of the spaces in...feel it viscerally...any
LARRY: I see my Dad here, sitting around at the table...looks like
Thanksgiving dinner or something...the only one I can really recognize
here is my Dad. He's eating corn and roast beef....there's a red
and white checkered table cloth on the table...I think it's a card table...
GRAYWOLF: What's your experience?
LARRY: Good, it's good. I see, uh, like a carved wooden small
statue of the Virgin Mary, and she's inside of a carved wooden heart.
GRAYWOLF: Stay with your experience and the flow of your imagination.
Trust your process. Be the feminine virgin in your heart...
LARRY: I see a barrel...someone's made a drum out of this barrel...laying...it's
not upright; it's laying down...there's drumheads on each end of it.
GRAYWOLF: Now be the drum...the drum...be this drum...something new
begins with this journey.
GRAYWOLF: There's more to it...there's more in your dream...but this
is far enough for now...enjoy this...be the drum and itsrhythm into your
heart...stay with it as long as you want...bring the drum to the surface
with you...and when you're ready to do that, take a couple of deep breaths
and return by letting your eyes open. It's important for you to bring
this consciousness with you.
LARRY: I think I got pretty deep there...
GRAYWOLF: How was it?
LARRY: Pretty good...I didn't fall asleep, did I?
GRAYWOLF: No. You were right there the whole time.
LARRY: It's hard to say, because this has been different than the
other ones. This was harder. I think it has something to do
with my attitude lately. I get pissed off...I think that's caused
GRAYWOLF: Yeah, that's the teeth. You went past the teeth...and
found a deeper source of power. You're dealing this time with the
MALE SIDE of you. On other journeys we've been dealing with the female,
the ANIMA. This time you explored the male self, the ANIMUS, a whole
LARRY: That fits in with what's been happening lately to me.
Like this guy "George"...he's got me by the balls. He's male authority,
the guy with the power, I've had a feeling of powerlessness.
GRAYWOLF: Yeah, your dream really spoke to that. That's why
I had you go and let them catch you, and take you into that, because that
was the thing you feared most. And that's where your power is.
What is holding your power hostage is your fear.
GRAYWOLF: But I think the most powerful force is water...the essence
of the water within you. You can't hurt water...the essence of the
water within you. You can't hurt water...you can try to crush it...you
can do whatever you want to it and you can't hurt it. It's flexible,
and flows. you see that state of consciousness, being is a part of
you. It's even a big part of your physical self, actually about 95%
LARRY: Yeah. Well, obviously when I run into guys like Leutenant
"Powers" I should turn into water...
GRAYWOLF: Instead of the teeth...you see that's the choice and why I didn't
have you become the fist with the nanchucks; you were given a choice at
that point. I took over a little bit there and asked you to stay
with the water rather than take the choice of the fist and the nanchucks,
because that would be back up to the outer self you're used to--the teeth--and
I wanted you to godeeper, instead. You always have that choice.
LARRY: It's funny now, just thinking about the nanchucks, man (laughs
heartily). I'm going yeah, yeah, it's an addiction, man.
GRAYWOLF: Yeah, so it'll tempt you even when you're in a place of
power. It'll tempt you away.
LARRY: Yeah, I forgot about the water completely. (Laughs) It's scary!
GRAYWOLF: You went back to it though, did you notice that?
You went back to it immediately. It didn't take much.
LARRY: Yeah, it was just that little orgiastic thought that popped
in there (laughs). That could be conditioning, you know.
GRAYWOLF: Yeah, it could. The other thing I was really impressed
with was we had this talk earlier in the session about your father your
relation to him. Yet, in here in this vision you had a new sense
of yourself and him, a satisfying experience of a nourishing meal with
GRAYWOLF: That was important, I think...it's a beginning of making
peace with that part of yourself.
LARRY: I had a strange experience with my father over the telephone.
I called him up, and I sent him IRON JOHN for Father's Day, and I called
him up to see if he got the package. You know he's a real linear
thinker who probably wouldn't even understand. But, you know I'm
48 years old, and I have never talked with my Dad about sex, NEVER!
(NOTE: He goes on to recount a recent phone call with his father where
they do discuss sex, and he finds out about his father's prudishness about
some aspects of sex which he had automatically assumed were his mother's
GRAYWOLF: There's a lot in this dream still left to explore.
If we get a chance we'll do more with it. A couple of things intrigued
me. In terms of the journey you took tonight, I guess I want to plant
a couple of seeds. I'm sure there is a lot more that will percolate
out of it--this feeling of water--that essence. But one of the things
that I'm aware of is the water these guys were jumping into was a source
of great fun, great pleasure.
GRAYWOLF: "You" were the source of greatest safety. If someone
would have jumped off a cliff and fallen into you, they would be safe.
That to me is repeating a theme that has come up with you many times which
is this theme of healer, this theme of being safe, of giving to the world.
That's something to pay attention to...in yourself. You first approached
me about apprenticing to become a shaman and that is what I was speaking
to. It's very powerful and has appeared in almost every journey you've
LARRY: I have another issue. I don't trust what I see anymore.
I don't trust what others tell me, maybe they are manipulating me.
An acquaintance told me he could only spend his limited time on people
who could do something for him. Well, if I was writing a screenplay
with a character I wanted the audience to despise, I would use dialogue
like that. I told him when you start using people as objects you
lose some of your own humanity. In the movie business, it becomes
addictive, and everyone including myself has to watch that. It's
hard to trust people's sincerity.
GRAYWOLF: It makes sense because you're very sensitive. You
get hurt easily. You have to hide that behind the teeth. You
have to hide behind the macho tough guy, the iron pumper and all that.
But you've got the sensitivity. It shows in your urge to be a healer
and help people, and in your creativity. I just wanted to acknowledge
it and honor that.
[Pause, then the client initiates closure of session with drumming].
JULY, 1991 SESSION:
As follow up, the next session he came in for was quite different.
We didn't work on a dream but he really opened up and revealed a long-term
deep set depression. In essence he sees very little reason to live,
makes it through each day as best he can and feels essentially helpless
in coping with life. This is the most honest he has ever been with
anyone by his own report.
Following that, about a week later I received a call from him. He
was going to be out of town but wanted some re-enforcement. He met
a new woman but found that his whole approach to and attitude to her was
different than anything he has experienced before. He caught himself
in magical thinking and rejected that to more realistically assess his
feelings about her. She makes drums, is interested in shamanic work,
and is either Indian or Mexican, perfectly designed for his "fatal attraction"
He is however more passive in this instance and willing to wait and see.
(NOTE: nothing ever came of it). He indulges in magical thinking
when there appears to be synchronicity involved in meeting a woman as happened
in this case, and takes it as a sign that this is "The Magic Woman" for
him. I think this is progress and a result of his dream sessions
From the previous session, we've already seen that Larry's attraction is
to "flawed women," that is, women who he believes he can help or "save."
But he ends up basically being hurt by them. That is a transactional
analysis perspective of it. Rescuer-Victim. In reality he is trying
to save the female side of himself, which goes back to his mother.
He had issues with his mother, her sexuality, etc. She was a "really
flawed and dominant" woman, and the father was sort of a wimp. There
is some indication in the latent manifest content of the dream of hidden
fears of homosexuality in the dream he may yet need to deal with.
What it boiled down to is dealing with the feminine side of himself, which
he inherited from his mother, which is very damaged.
By trying to take care of them "out there" he is trying to heal himself,
and of course my work is to help him deal with it within himself.
His profession as a private investigator specializing in mitigating circumstances
for death penalty cases is further indication of the savior or rescuer
He's noted quite a few times to me that his female clients inevitably fall
in love with him. He's working on a case now and when he called he
was partly down because a female client for whom he had spent a lot of
energy finding mitigating circumstances had turned on him and thought he
was the most terrible thing happening.
AUGUST 28, 1991: THE CORE SELF
In this session Larry explores his issue of the "fatal attraction" women,
and its relationship to his thrill-seeking desires for the adrenalin rush.
Graywolf points out that in his own exploration the attraction had a certain
location in his body, inner signs, sensations, and feelings.
Graywolf suggests that the adrenalin in the situations is a sign there
is some kind of threat happening, and Larry agrees. He notes that
in the few relationships where the adrenalin was absent he felt more secure.
Trust builds in relationships that develop slow and easy. The inner
side of the relationship develops.
Larry speaks further about his idea of commitment involving waiting for
someone, who was "captured in war, or thrown in jail for years."
"If you love somebody, you should wait for them." He speaks only
in terms of a love-addicted woman being unable to wait because of their
compulsion. Yet, he also notes that "everytime I come in here I have
some gal that I'm head over heals with...You know, that is pretty ridiculous;
everytime I see you I'm with a different gal." He felt silly telling
it each time.
Graywolf tries to keep the issue moving, pointing out "script laughs" and
"gallows" script interspersed in Larry's comments. He suggest he
is an adrenalin freak who "courts the edge, and that's where the real attraction
is, which is always the danger, whenever the adrenalin is going."
Larry says he is trying to pull back from that, but in fact has been jumping
off a 45 foot bridge without even a bungie cord.
Larry confesses that living on the edge is probably tied into "authority,
resentment, and it probably goes back to my Dad." He realizes, "I'm
real abrasive with certain kinds of people, so I can utilize that to get
this adrenalin rush I crave, and it's real destructive, I know."
He thinks, "Larry, shut your mouth, walk away from this. This is
bad. It will only end in disaster." He literally shakes with
Graywolf inquires what life would be like without that. Easier, Larry
thinks, but the flirting with danger still attracts him. Yet he claims
to be trying to get away from the adrenalin rushes which "zaps all my energy."
He reminisces about early childhood and being unjustly blamed for things
he didn't do, and being called a liar. The first three incidents
had to do with women scaring him and getting that adrenalin rush.
Graywolf gets him in touch with the feelings of anger, being cheated and
pushed around in life. Even though everybody may, each person feels
and reacts to it in their own unique way. Larry updates him on the
current injustices in his work situation. Graywolf points out "how
you would come out of all of that wanting to be a rescuer." They
go on to explore the paradox of the adrenalin rush and feelings of helplessness,
and what that feels like inside.
The script is, "Wait a minute, I didn't do that." That impotence
leads to all sorts of things such as rescuing people, getting into lousy
relationships, the adrenalin rush, fighting authority figures, maybe prison
("gallows") eventually. Larry asserts, despite the "script laugh"
that he won't go to prison, that he has already curbed the behavior to
He refers again to the dark, mysterious woman with a touch of evil, then
goes on to yearn for "a normal life, normal relationship," and settling
down. He's tired of being on the edge, tired of flirting with danger.
He speaks of a "midnight rambler" in one of his screenplay plots and how
two characters "represent the shadow self of the other." Graywolf
asks him, "where is that touch of evil in you, or danger, the shadow side?"
They go back to the motel dream, where he ends up in a restaurant.
Graywolf invites him to explore "the guy who you ended up jumping all over
and trying to get him to confess and he never did."
GW: Do you remember that dream? Just breathe and take time
and remember it. Don't rush, just take your time and remember it.
LARRY: I'm trying to remember if I was in a motel, it was a restaurant
GW: You started out in a motel. And they tried to come in and
kill you, and you chased them out, and into a restaurant that was full
LARRY: And a woman with an assault rifle, and one guy killed one
of the guys, cut his throat with a knife. No big deal right.
And then they grabbed this other guy, and they had him in a chair.
GW: This was another case of almost impotence where you were jumping
all over him and...
LARRY: Yeah, and the guy wouldn't talk. Interestingly enough
I remember one of the things I was doing to this guy, and I don't know
if it has anything to do with sexuality or anything, but I was spreading,
and maybe his feet were tied together, but I was like spreading his legs
apart, his knees apart, like I was trying to break his legs, like a wishbone.
And I was jumping on him and I can't remember if I'm jumping on his balls
or what. But I remember spreading his knees apart and just trying
to break his legs.
GW: Yeah, I remember the words you used, you were "jumping his bones."
LARRY: Is that what I said?
GW: Yeah. Just take time and bring the dream back now.
Bring that scene back, that part of the dream...breathe...breathe...empty
your mind out...just let it fill with as much as you can remember about
LARRY: I remember this guy smiling, during all this; it was almost
like he thought it was a joke.
GW: Use your imagination and replay the scene now as him...what it
would be like from his perspective.
LARRY: As his character, I discover that by smiling at this guy who
is beating on me, it infuriates him, he gets frustrated, and the more frustrated
and infuriated he gets the weaker he gets, and he can't hurt me...and the
more he can't hurt me, the more I smile, because it's almost funny...it's
like I'm in this, tied up in this chair an in total control of this guy.
GW: And that feeling, that sense, that effect, feel it and tell me
what you notice about that now.
LARRY: It's like I'm sucking his energy into me, the more outa control
he gets, the stronger I get...
GW: Let that happen...where does that take you; where does that go?
LARRY: Well, obviously it wins over these other people, they feel
my power and his weakness, and join me. They are on my side now.
GW: What's that like?
LARRY: It feels good. Like I won.
GW: Stay in that feeling...enjoy it, be with it...
LARRY: It's hard to enjoy this feeling because there is a sense of
guilt about it, because even though I won and zapped all this guy's power,
I feel that I've manipulated these people and it's not real, you know what
GW: Yeah, there is an insecurity within that; there is no solidity
within the power.
LARRY: It's like a bunko power, you know, a scam power, more like
a technique than a real power.
GW: Go to the smile now, go back to the smile and tell me what you
notice about it.
LARRY: Well, the smile is not real; it is designed to push this guy's
buttons, because it does. And so I'm using it to manipulate this
guy, and take his power away. But as I take his power away, it becomes
enjoyable and the smile becomes more real, but it didn't start out real
GW: Go into the sensation of the smile...go into the physical feeling
of it...the original smile...gradually let that take your whole attention
LARRY: The smile was a signal to this guy, that he can't hurt me
no matter what he does...
GW: Go more with that...stay with that for a minute...what do you
notice about that now?
LARRY: It's not a real smile...an acting smile...the reality is this
guy is hurting me, and I'm pretending he is not hurting me.
GW: Go into the pain...feel the pain...okay, feel the pain now...sink
LARRY: When I smile at this guy, like when I smile at him, he blows
and his power becomes ineffectual.
LARRY: So this smile is a defense mechanism against that pain.
GW: Exactly, yeah...that is why I want you to go into the pain...let
yourself feel it in the dream...use your imagination. What color
LARRY: A bluish-grey.
GW: Imagine sinking into it, into that color, into that part of your
body...let yourself become assimilated by that color, become the color,
what do you experience?
LARRY: An isolation, an isolation...
GW: Go deeper, stay with it, trust where you are going...go deeper
into it...let go now...what do you experience?
LARRY: I feel totally alone; I feel kinda like in the middle of a
black void, alone...
GW: Feel that...feel it more deeply, go deeper into it, into the
blackness...let go now..let go, go deeper...What do you experience in there
LARRY: I see a series of like little blue lines and circles, and
mixing, kinda like a big insect of blue lines, like a big, giant bumble
GW: There is sort of an essence, an energy with those lines, a sense
of something...become them, yeah, become them...feel the movement, be the
LARRY: There is a kind of frenetic feeling, kinda like electricity...
GW: Good, give in to that, just become that entirely...let go of
everything else and become that...just experience now...let go...
LARRY: It's like a, kinda like a, it's like energy, but not real
comfortable energy...it's like time-stressed energy...
GW: Yeah, stay with it...stay with it for a little while longer...just
ride with it...be it...see where it takes you...go deeper into it...What
are you experiencing?
LARRY: Well, I'm seeing these, I'm seeing more blue lines and I'm
trying to be the blue lines, but maybe I'm some blue lines but not other
GW: That's okay.
LARRY: And black void, and these blue lines are forming a male penis
actually, not just hanging down...
GW: Stay with it, stay with it...trust where you are going...you
are almost there...just be with it. Don't try to figure it out, just
be with it, feel the effect on you...just notice what is going on inside
LARRY: This male penis is like, it's not shooting anything out, but
this, again made outa blue lines, this shark swam out of it.
LARRY: And it's swimming...in the black void...
GW: Stay with that, see what happens...
LARRY: Now there was an image coming in from the left, of another
male penis, uncircumcised, but not blue lines anymore. It's surrounded
by a yellow aura, like going down at this angle here, now I'm seeing this
GW: Yeah, give in to the yellow now...just become the yellow now,
let it overtake you. let it absorb you, let it act upon you. What
do you see? Just notice.
LARRY: This yellow aura, is forming a shape of like a cloud with
yellow petals and surrounded by this black, and then the interior of the
petals are black and just the edges are yellow, and they seem to be drawn
to the middle of this thing.
GW: Yeah, follow that, trust that, let it pull you in; just experience
LARRY: I seem to be surrounded by this grass, this green tall grass;
it's swaying back and forth, but everything beyond that is black...
GW: Become the grass Larry, become the motion, feel it...feel it
viscerally, let your body dissolve and become the grass, feel the sensations
of the grass--the movement--just get into it and tell me what it's like,
when you are ready.
LARRY: I'm going back and forth, rubbing against other grass, and
I can feel on one side of the long skinny blades of grass are real smooth
and on the other side it's rough, you know I can feel it going back and
forth, both sides of it...
GW: Yes, it's okay, just be with that, trust that, stay with that
now, see where it takes you, see where you go with that...just feel...feel
also your color.
LARRY: You know I'm getting smaller, and the grass is getting bigger,
the blades of grass almost look like palm leafs, with that kinda thick
stem running down the middle of them...
GW: What's happening now? What are you experiencing, what are
LARRY: I'm seeing some other kind of a plant, it's kind of a brown,
fuzzy plant and it's got green grass, like at the base of it, kinda oblong
and yellow behind it...
GW: Yes, as much as you can now become that plant, feel those colors,
feel their locations in your body, just feel the effect of that.
Let them work on you, don't say anything until you are ready, and let me
know what you experience with it. Let go of the visual part now and
begin to focus in on the sensations...
LARRY: The brown part feels kinda fuzzy on the outside, feels kinda
solid, and the bottom part, the green part, feels kinda like going back
and forth...skinny...I can feel the breeze blowing these green leaves I
have, and I can feel the yellow must be the sun, the brown part feels warm...
GW: Just enjoy those feelings: solidity, your featheriness, thewind,
the sun...just let them work on you. Let them heal...this is a state
of your being...this is an essence of who you are...stay with this part
of your being as long as you want.
LARRY: I guess the sun, it's like giving me energy up here, and it
seems like down here where the wind is blowing, it's like I'm sweating
a little bit, down here from this energy I'm getting here, the breeze is
like cooling me off, it's like working perfectly together, you know...
GW: Yeah, know that about yourself. This is you...This is your
real power...YOUR CORE. This is much deeper than that false smile
and taking power, robbing it from someone else that was on the surface
of the dream, this is the place of real power, this is what was underneath
the pain. This is what you were robbed of as a child. This
DECEMBER, 1991: THE HOLEY GOLDEN BAND
Larry continued working on the concept of anima/animus, and finding ways
of reowning the very powerful feminine side of himself that he, until now,
had essentially given up. The session before this one, the work changed
suddenly, in that he started getting in touch with energies, with parts
of himself which represent the healthy, masculine side of himself, as symbolized
by the horse. [NOTE: see POWER VS. STRENGTH, also Larry's session]
That led me to think he was finishing up this round of his work with his
anima, and when he came in for the session this is exactly what he started
talking about. He mentioned the work he has been doing on his own
outside therapy, such as the books he has been getting on anima/animus,
and the feminine side of self. He had come to some very remarkable
He came up with the idea of having a talk with his anima. In essence,
one of the outcomes was that he got down to asking her what she wanted.
This reminded me of Freud's famous question about what women really want
from men. It turned out she replied that she just wanted to be happy.
So Larry said to his anima, "Well, that is what I want to be, too."
They have now arrived at a place where they scratch each other's back,
which is quite remarkable for the few processing sessions he has had to
The other thing he became aware of in meeting his anima as an actual image
in his mind, is that his anima has all of the physical characteristics
of the women he usually gets into the most trouble with. His so-called
"fatal attractions" usually have long black hair, and are dark and mysterious,
maybe even a little foreign looking.
He sees now quite clearly how he invests the characteristics of his anima
onto those women. He does not see them for who they really are, but
creates an image in his mind, which of course, always leads him to his
problems with these women. By reowning the projection, and forming
an internal relationship with her, many changes can be expected.
This is a recap of how he has come along in therapy until now.
In this dream journey, he begins at a very shallow level of work for this
particular dream. The dream itself was full of black men, guns, shooting,
murder, and violence. Guns and violence are fairly characteristic
of a lot of his dreams. In this particular dream, he had all of his
guns ripped off from the house he was staying in.
Apparently his landlady had just allowed this to happen. As he was
walking around the house he entered his bedroom. The only thing left
in there was this chest. And as he opened this chest [note play on
words for the body part], all he found was this one snub-nosed 38 revolver.
This gave me a kick, because of all the weapons, the 38 Special is so stereotypical
for a private eye.
At one point in the dream, he was out on the porch. There was something
coming down between the cops and these black guys, and the blacks were
not going to give in to the cops. They were running around shooting
people. As the dreamer, he shot this black guy who came up on the
porch after him. Then, he ended up shooting some others.
My initial thoughts about this dream indicated a shift in the work.
I thought, "Oh my God, he's starting to explore the shadow side of self."
It looks like this is probably going to be true. It is important,
since "acting out" shadow elements has been a source of confusion and risk-taking
behavior for him. Many times it has been disturbing and disruptive.
This dream represents the first step of exploring that shadow side, at
least more consciously. He has a collection of guns he says is much
smaller now than it used to be. But he said he still has a significant
number of guns, yet claims he is not interested in them, and would never
use them. I suspect his reaction in the dream would tend to belie
this. And this may represent the part of the shadow he has to go with.
I am including this analysis because it is part of the process that I go
through sometimes. I cannot help but get some prejudices about what
a dream is about, and this is where it becomes really important for me
to empty my mind. I have to say, "Okay, Graywolf, now let go of the
idea that the black man is representing the shadow side of Larry's self,
and let's see where the process really goes."
So I took a couple of minutes after listening to the dream, just to clear
these thoughts, as I usually do. I tell people to just empty their
minds and breathe deeply. The reality is, I am probably telling
myself that just as much as I am the person I am working with, so I can
truly enter into co-consciousness.
What struck me in the dream was that there was an energy with these black
men in the dream, and the energy was vague. He simply, "knew they
weren't going to...there was a danger to them...there was something going
on with them."
To cut through the mental confusion, I had him essentially tell me what
color this energy was--this energy field he associated with the energy
of the black men. Immediately he said, "Red! Even in the dream
I felt that it was red." The gist of his process led into that red
and it was a very relaxing place for him which took on a very rich overtone.
Then within the red, he found a green. The green became a bird.
Remember, one of his main physical complaints because of iron pumping has
been centered in his back and shoulders, which have almost constant arthritic
pain. As the bird, which eventually became a parrot and then a woodpecker,
he felt most aware of the wings, coming out from the scapula across his
back. He was aware of the wings stretching and relaxing to the point
it all focused in the middle of his back where his arthritis is worst.
It felt very relaxing, and that is when the image changed into a ram, or
rather the face of a ram. The green ram face reminded him of the
horse from a previous session, where the horse was tearing away the flesh
from the muscles, and the muscles from the bone, which felt very good to
So, his journey proceeded through a series of bird images, then the ram,
then the image of a lizard. This indicated an even deeper level.
Even physiologically, you could see he was deepening his process as his
breathing was changing. As he became the lizard, he was fascinated
with the fact that he could actually climb walls, and he was even walking
across the ceiling at one point. This too passed. The green
lizard gave way to a deep green pond or pool of water.
As the lizard, he eventually went into the color, and became that pond,
and was drawn to go deeper and deeper into the base of the pool.
And when he got there he saw this band--this sort of flat-surfaced band
of gold that was wavy in appearance.
As an aside later, he told me of his abhorrence for gold. There are
connotations he has with it from his religious upbringing, and the way
THE BIBLE paints it as the root of all evil. He might have been reminded,
it is not the intrinsic property of gold that makes this so, but the lust
for it and the power it brings that is the corrupting influence.
However, the equation gold = evil is something he has embraced and has
maintained as a real aversion to gold most of his life.
I didn't realize his associations with it at the time, but I asked him
to become the gold. Had I known of the aversion, I surely would have
pursued it. He immediately went into it. There were two properties
of the gold that he immediately sensed. One of them was that it was
a wave, it was bent and flexible, and flexing. He felt this viscerally
throughout his entire body. The other sense that he picked up immediately
out of being the gold was that it was perforated--it was full of holes,
holey, and this green water was flowing freely through these holes. [remember
the Swiss cheese of a previous session]
In terms of process work, what I've come to in my understanding of colors,
if I can put it into plain terms, is that gold represents the expression
of power into the world, and the green represents love. First, the
heart chakra is right in the front of the back area which was healed in
the earlier part of the dream--the chest, solar plexus.
That represents the old way of his expressing power through his iron pumping
and physical body. His abhorrence for gold indicates a deep dissatisfaction
with that mode of expression. The new way, representing the green
energy of the heart chakra, speaks now of a new perception or kind of power
that is interwoven, penetrated, or permeated with love. That love
flows throughout his new means of expressing power.
After he returned from the dream journey, we spoke of the fact that this
was a very shamanic journey for him. We wondered how he was going
to begin expressing the shamanic powers. What emerged was that as
a script writer and director, it will probably come out in movies he could
make with deeper meanings. He is speaking with a producer, and staunchly
defending the position that, as film makers, they have a real commitment
to help create the new myth that the civilization and country are going
to be following. He takes this very seriously. And this gives
me hope for our culture.
Those were just the first things he experienced being the gold. He
then began to experience, quite viscerally that the gold began to glow.
And the glow was emanating out from within him. At one point he said,
"I realize as this golden glow that I can reach out and touch anything."
Again, in light of our conversation later about his ability to reach out
through the media and the movies, he is now interested in themes revolving
around the Jungian archetypes of animus and anima, and the discoveries
of men and women going through those kinds of journeys. The shadow
theme is another of his current writing interests. Of course, both
of those are the key to his psychological work now.
He is coming along remarkably well, even though I see him only every two
or three weeks. I find that if I work with someone every week, I
am getting away from working on dreams with them everytime. That
seems to work well and give people time to assimilate this deep work.
It takes the mind a period of time to assimilate this deep work.
It takes the mind a period of time--weeks--to begin to notice the effects
and influence of the work. In that time he can find out what a holey
golden band would like to have happen...and what a holey golden band like
that one would like to do.